In the past, well lets be honest, past and presently, I have always had the thought "If I could just have ______ then I would be happy." Whether it be a new job, a hair cut, love, a new pair of pants...whatever. Funny thing is that when you do finally get that something that you have been wanting, you realize that there is something still unsatisfying about it and so the cycle begins again. "If I could just have ________, or if I could just have more of _______, then I would be happy."

No amount of status, or material possessions is going to fill that void. Until I fix my heart and eyes on "things above and not on earthly things" (Colossians 3) I will not find satisfaction. Not only that but I need to find time to REST and stop all of the chaos running around me before it drags me under. (I just talked to Sean and we discussed how there one can find God's peace in the midst of our chaos).


The past few weeks I have felt God nudging me and trying to tell me something. Over and over he has led me to the same place when I have prayed and over and over I have just shrugged it off because it wasn't the answer I have wanted to hear. Well...I'm listening now. I wish I had listened the first time he tried to get my attention.

Last night in my Bloomers Bible class a bible verse jumped out and grabbed hold of me.

'"to whom he said,
'This is the place of repose'-

but they would not listen.

So then, the word of the LORD to them will become:

Do and do, do and do,

rule on rule, rule on rule;

a little here, a little there -

so that they will go and fall backward,

be injured and snared and captured."

-Isaiah 28:12-13

Please listen carefully to what I am about to say, and please don't misunderstand me.

Before Ilya was born Sean and I prayed and prayed over what I was going to do with my job. To teach or not to teach? After much prayer we decided that I would stay home with Ilya. I could not wait, I had always dreamed about being a "stay-at-home" mom! This was my dream come true. Sean and I knew that the upcoming year was going to be tough money wise. But we faced the year with our hands held tightly together and with hope and love in our hearts. This was a blessing!

Now, I had a fairy tale vision of how the year would play out. And my fairy tale was awesome - the house would be immaculately clean, there would always be breakfast, lunch and dinner on the table for Sean, all the laundry and ironing would be done and put away in its proper place.

Ilya and I would laugh and read, play and walk. I mean, what more could I wish for?

I'd like to say that all of the above took place but that would be a flat out lie. Truth be told, I didn't even get supper on the table once before Christmas, my grandmother had to do my laundry and cleaning was one of the things that seemed to send me over the edge of what little sanity I had. Ilya spent the first eight months of her life screaming at the top of her lungs for most of the day and the weather didn't always cooperate for us to get out and walk. I was learning that there is way more to being a mother than what I had envisioned. Sean was away coaching most nights and that just added more stress. Most days I couldn't even find time to take a shower let alone run a brush through my hair.

This is the most chaotic my life has ever been - ever. But I wouldn't change a single moment. Around Christmas there was a change. I stopped getting on facebook during my moments of silence and started spending more time in God's word. I started making a to-do list but instead of getting all upset when I don't get something marked off I look at what I have been able to accomplish. I can now have dinner on the table thanks to an awesome crock pot! And most importantly Ilya and I spend her every waking moment just being together, crying or laughing, and just learning how this thing called life works. My focus is on Sean and Ilya first rather than on the crazy house. I could care less about what is going on in the world outside my door...the most important things to me are right here in front of me. It has taken a while but somehow I have caught on to finding my peace in Christ and not on my surroundings. Sean is always telling me that expectations kill - and it is so true. Babies cry, dinner gets burned (or not made at all), and clothes get dirty. It is all about the attitude that I enter into it with. Are there still bad, crazy days? Yes, of course, but now I have learned that usually when it gets tough it is time to laugh or just start dancing around. Ilya likes that side of me way more than the old side. I think Sean does too.

I can hear Ilya waking up in the next room - I'm going to take her for a walk. See ya later!