My life has changed so much the past eight and a half months. Every day I learn something new about how to be a mom. Just when you think you have arrived something new happens. I have become more aware of how I act/react towards situations. I am not the child anymore, and the world is no longer centered around me (not that it ever actually was but I sure did think it revolved around me). There is a line that is drawn, you can either become self sacrificing and put your child's needs ahead of your own or you can cling to your selfish behavior...either way something has to give, and change comes. The wake up call comes when you realize that your precious child that you brought into the world is watching everything you do. Whether you like it or not you are shaping your child's attitude, reactions, and her view of the world. Major self examination begins. I must learn to think before I react.
Today I acted out of anger...we have been without a washing machine for almost four months now. My dear sweet grandmother has been doing laundry for me. I have been as patient as possible but today got the best of me. When the service repair place called and told me the part will not come in until the 10th. I lost it. And then I fed the fire by thinking about it all day until I was shaking with anger. I called Sears and I let them have it. There was no reward for my anger. I am still without a working washing machine. Now I sit here and wonder what I have taught my daughter.

"Out of the overflow of his heart his mouth speaks." (Luke 6:45)
"As water reflects a face, so a man's heart reflects the man." (Proverbs 27:19)

Now is the call to rise above. If I am feeding Ilya, what is feeding me? I scold myself for falling away from my time with God. It happened slowly...and then hit me like a train. I filled my "free" moments doing everything but turning to the word of God that had given me strength for so many years. I am grateful for wonderful friends that stand up and let me know/make me aware of how I have drifted. If my goal is to raise a child "in the way she should go" I must get back to the Word. If I do not fill my cup daily then the things of this world will pull me away. I want Ilya to see a reflection of Christ in me. I want to teach her how to respond in love rather than in hostility.

Lord, "create in me a pure heart".

I am a work in progress.