Choose Joy

Joy is a choice; It's something you have to choose every single day. There are other things you have to choose everyday as well...reactions, feelings, love, happiness, fears, etc. I've been thinking a lot about this since Ilya was born. I look at her and see so much joy; everything is new; everything is an experience of some sort. She has her moments of fussiness but she is easily distracted into a new moment of joy (sometimes by simply moving her to the back door to stare at the dogs for a moment).
Something happens as we grow up - we let our emotions overwhelm us and take control over our day, even our year. If one thing goes wrong in the morning we tend to let it dictate how the rest of our day is going to go rather than look out the window for a moment. I am extremely guilty of this. I tend to let worry get the best of me and before I know it I am more negative than I wish to be.

I just finished the new Francine Rivers book Her Mothers Hope. Amazing book! If you didn't know she is one of my all time favorite authors. I highly recommend it. It is complicated to explain without giving away the entire book.

It really got me thinking about what I have let shape me as a person; past experiences that have made me the person I am. I then think about what I am passing on, what my hope is for my children. What have I done to "shape" them without even thinking about it. I know I have talked about this before on here but it is something that plagues me every single day. For example, one of the most common that we hear is, "I don't want my children to ever do without the way I did" or "I want my child to have the opportunities that I never had." Interesting thoughts though they are, it seems completely harmless but can turn into something that destroys the child rather than liberate them - and in the end can sometimes even destroy the parent/child relationship. We tend to want to be the potter and mold our children into something better than ourselves; We push and probe to the extreme out of fear of their/our failure. The true potter is God himself; He is the ONLY potter. We are the clay.

I'm still thinking things through and have in no way come to any conclusions. I can only turn it over to God and trust that he knows my heart and intentions - that he cleanses me of all my selfish thoughts and ways. I want to be a servant and do His will. I pray that I am the mother he calls me to be.

Cry out in your weakness...

First, I must apologize for the delay in my writing. Sean always says it is better to not make a promise and just do the things you think rather than to proclaim something and then let everyone down when it doesn't happen.

Ilya has celebrated her first full year of life with us. What a blessing she is! It really is true what they say... time flies! She is walking around everywhere and wants to be outside at all times no matter how hot it is. She amazes us.

In April, Sean and I found out that we are expecting again! Baby number two will be here around January 3rd. We are ecstatic and can't wait. We have been shuffling around the house making room for another baby room. We are having a lot of work done to the house this summer. We are truly blessed to live in a school house, in a great town, and work for such amazing people that take care of us. As soon as all of the work is done I will hopefully post pictures of the "remodeling". As for decorating the baby room...that will have to wait until we find out if the new baby is a boy or girl. We should find out in August or September.

On June 18th, Sean and I celebrated our 5th wedding anniversary! How amazing...we have only grown stronger through the years and I look forward to the rest of my life knowing that I get to wake up and fall asleep with him beside me.

Out of all of these changes, my mind has begun to get the best of me. I cannot tell you enough how grateful I am to have Sean in my life. He is my strength and my peace in the storm. We truly were made for each other. He has a calm that I desire and long for and he says I keep him on his toes. Most importantly he has a way of pointing me back to God and helping me find my "strength within me" (psalm 46:5). When fear rears its ugly head at me...when that voice screams within me that I can't do this or that I am not good enough for the task at hand...somehow through the tears I hear God saying "No you can't do this...but I can." And I stand back up with renewed strength.

In my weakness I cry out and remember that it's not about me. I am human and cannot do the things marked out before me without the help of God. God must go before me at all times or I will continually fail. In my weakness God makes me strong. Part of the process is saying goodbye to my selfish thoughts that I have it all together, or that I can do it and I don't need any help.

God blessed us with Ilya, and now with a new child growing within...and Sean and I have said over and over that they are not ours...we are just raising them and loving them until God calls them. This house is not ours, the money we make is not ours, the yard we tend to is not ours, and we ourselves are not our own. We are God's property and here to fulfill His calling and will.

In my weakness I have discovered that spending time with the ones I love is the most important thing I can do right now. I am cherishing every second with Ilya and Sean, wonderful moments and memories that I am treasuring in my heart to draw upon from time to time. I am loving life and knowing that even on those bottomless pit days - there is a light shining from above and I will stand strong.

Hopefully I will post many, many pictures of the last few months.

Ilya is 11 months old, and we just found out that she will be an older sister in 9 months!!! What a life we live!

These are pictures from the real Easter this past week. Kyler, Colt and Ilya all had coordinating outfits. They were precious! It was almost impossible to get a picture of them together though. Ilya and Colt can't sit still for more than two seconds...Kyler is the only one that can sit and pose for the camera.

Sean and I keep laughing at this picture. It looks like Kyler and Colt have grown fangs and Ilya is trying to escape with her life!
Ilya is so funny with Papa. She wants him to constantly look at her but not to touch. If he isn't looking or watching her she will grunt until he does.

Ilya loves it when Nana tickles her. If you didn't know Nana is who Ilya inherited her dancing rhythm from. She dances just like her!




We had to have Kyler and Colt ride in front of the camera so that Ilya would look in the right vicinity of the camera. It was almost impossible to get pictures of her or any of the kids that day. They just wanted to play, play, play!





As soon as we arrived Ilya made a mad dash for this egg! It wasn't even time to hunt eggs. It was like Ilya was thinking "Hey, I remember this! I'm supposed to pick these up!" We were going to hunt eggs after we ate but Colt also grabbed his basket and began loading up before we ate. Lesson learned! Don't put the eggs out until it is time!

There have been lots of things happening around the Grose residence! I've been cooking, cleaning, and Sean and I have even been able to work outside a little!
The other night I cooked steak, baked potatoes, salad and beans. Yum!
One night I cooked Sean's favorite meal - Chicken enchilada soup.
Sean fixed the gate to the garden.


I got to finally trim the tree outside our house! I hadn't been able to get to it in over a year.
It looks much better now!

Sometimes Ilya tries to fit as much food in her mouth as possible!

She thinks she is so funny when she puts her pacifier in sideways. She does it and then laughs!

Here is a picture of Ilya and her friend Jerzee sitting with Mrs. Teresa at Thursday School.





This is a fun video of Kyler and Ilya playing on their human jungle gym. So cute!

If you were to ask me what my favorite holiday is I would have to say Easter, hands down! I love everything about Easter! Every year my aunt Patty has an Easter party out at her house. Our whole family loads up, goes to church and then to Patty's house for amazing food, fellowship, egg hunting (little kids and BIG kids) and THE AMAZING RACE! The amazing race is just like the show on T.V. you are on teams and you must race to find the clues and then compete to finish each task. The great thing about the race is that you can be in dead last up until the last task and then still win! This year we had to wheelbarrow two eggs without breaking them (it took me four times and Sean twice), make a bunny headband (they had to match perfectly), use chopsticks to fish pennies out of jello (by the time Sean and I got there our jello was frozen), dig through a bucket of rice and find four colored pieces of rice, and then throw a Frisbee through three obstacles. Sean and were in dead last until the Frisbee throw, then we moved up to second place!
It is such a blast! That and hunting Easter eggs. I think it is so funny that we have a little kid Easter egg hunt and then have a big kid Easter egg hunt (that is all of us cousins), we are just not ready to grow up! Also on the big kid Easter egg hunt my aunt has written our names on three eggs to ensure that we at least end up with three eggs a piece. If you have ever been around my family you know that when there is a race or a game everyone is out for blood! I have the best memories from all of our Easters together as a family! I am the worst Easter egg hunter in the world! I seem to be extremely slow at finding the eggs, or maybe because it is a "race" to find them I get discouraged and can't think straight. One year, I had a basket full and I fell and my eggs went everywhere. My cousin Greg came and stole all of my eggs on the ground. Haha! I remember being so sad! Needless to say that I think Ilya is going to be following in my footsteps. This was her FIRST Easter egg hunt. I had been putting eggs in her basket for her and she pulled on the basket and the eggs fell on the ground. Her (second) cousin, Allie, came running up and said "Ilya, you better hurry and pick these up before someone steals them!". Allie then proceeded to pick up Ilya's eggs and put them in her own basket and then run away. I wish I could have caught it on tape! It was so funny!

O.K. enough talk - on with the pictures!













Ilya's first Easter egg hunt.

Out of all the eggs she goes after a rock!

Ilya and I visited the gin office today and her cousin Colt was there too. It was time for both of them to have a little snack so Meggan and I thought it would be a good time to teach them how to share.

Take One: Listen carefully and you will hear Colt make Ilya say "please"

Lets try this again...Take Two:

O.K. Hmmm...Take Three:

Success!!! Well sort of...we will need to work on it a little more!

Today has been such an amazing day! Ilya has always woke up at 7:00a.m. on the dot (before the time change it was around 6 but we let her play in her crib until 7). This morning there wasn't a sound from her room. So I rushed and took my shower because on Thursdays it is a mad rush out the door to make it Thursday school. Sean came into the bathroom at 7:45a.m. to tell me that he was leaving for work and that Ilya was still sound asleep. He said he checked on her to make sure something wasn't wrong but she was sound asleep. I got dressed and enjoyed my cup of coffee and then at 8:00a.m. I could hear her sweet voice coming from her bedroom. She was sitting there reading her soft book in her crib. She was SO happy! Of course we were late to Thursday school but I didn't mind at all! Ilya missed her morning nap and then has slept for over two hours for her afternoon nap! I can't get over it!

I have been planning her ONE year birthday party! It's in less than two months! I can't contain my excitement! I am planning on having a ladybug theme. I am going to make angel food cupcakes decorated with ladybugs along with a richer ladybug cake. I don't want Ilya having a bunch of sugar so I decided on the angel food for the cupcakes. I've been thinking about how to decorate and everything. Just writing about it makes me shake with joy! I never knew how exciting planning a birthday party is! I am looking foreword to many years of decorating for different occasions!

Here is a picture of the cupcake design. I found it on the MarthaStewart website.

In the past, well lets be honest, past and presently, I have always had the thought "If I could just have ______ then I would be happy." Whether it be a new job, a hair cut, love, a new pair of pants...whatever. Funny thing is that when you do finally get that something that you have been wanting, you realize that there is something still unsatisfying about it and so the cycle begins again. "If I could just have ________, or if I could just have more of _______, then I would be happy."

No amount of status, or material possessions is going to fill that void. Until I fix my heart and eyes on "things above and not on earthly things" (Colossians 3) I will not find satisfaction. Not only that but I need to find time to REST and stop all of the chaos running around me before it drags me under. (I just talked to Sean and we discussed how there one can find God's peace in the midst of our chaos).


The past few weeks I have felt God nudging me and trying to tell me something. Over and over he has led me to the same place when I have prayed and over and over I have just shrugged it off because it wasn't the answer I have wanted to hear. Well...I'm listening now. I wish I had listened the first time he tried to get my attention.

Last night in my Bloomers Bible class a bible verse jumped out and grabbed hold of me.

'"to whom he said,
'This is the place of repose'-

but they would not listen.

So then, the word of the LORD to them will become:

Do and do, do and do,

rule on rule, rule on rule;

a little here, a little there -

so that they will go and fall backward,

be injured and snared and captured."

-Isaiah 28:12-13

Please listen carefully to what I am about to say, and please don't misunderstand me.

Before Ilya was born Sean and I prayed and prayed over what I was going to do with my job. To teach or not to teach? After much prayer we decided that I would stay home with Ilya. I could not wait, I had always dreamed about being a "stay-at-home" mom! This was my dream come true. Sean and I knew that the upcoming year was going to be tough money wise. But we faced the year with our hands held tightly together and with hope and love in our hearts. This was a blessing!

Now, I had a fairy tale vision of how the year would play out. And my fairy tale was awesome - the house would be immaculately clean, there would always be breakfast, lunch and dinner on the table for Sean, all the laundry and ironing would be done and put away in its proper place.

Ilya and I would laugh and read, play and walk. I mean, what more could I wish for?

I'd like to say that all of the above took place but that would be a flat out lie. Truth be told, I didn't even get supper on the table once before Christmas, my grandmother had to do my laundry and cleaning was one of the things that seemed to send me over the edge of what little sanity I had. Ilya spent the first eight months of her life screaming at the top of her lungs for most of the day and the weather didn't always cooperate for us to get out and walk. I was learning that there is way more to being a mother than what I had envisioned. Sean was away coaching most nights and that just added more stress. Most days I couldn't even find time to take a shower let alone run a brush through my hair.

This is the most chaotic my life has ever been - ever. But I wouldn't change a single moment. Around Christmas there was a change. I stopped getting on facebook during my moments of silence and started spending more time in God's word. I started making a to-do list but instead of getting all upset when I don't get something marked off I look at what I have been able to accomplish. I can now have dinner on the table thanks to an awesome crock pot! And most importantly Ilya and I spend her every waking moment just being together, crying or laughing, and just learning how this thing called life works. My focus is on Sean and Ilya first rather than on the crazy house. I could care less about what is going on in the world outside my door...the most important things to me are right here in front of me. It has taken a while but somehow I have caught on to finding my peace in Christ and not on my surroundings. Sean is always telling me that expectations kill - and it is so true. Babies cry, dinner gets burned (or not made at all), and clothes get dirty. It is all about the attitude that I enter into it with. Are there still bad, crazy days? Yes, of course, but now I have learned that usually when it gets tough it is time to laugh or just start dancing around. Ilya likes that side of me way more than the old side. I think Sean does too.

I can hear Ilya waking up in the next room - I'm going to take her for a walk. See ya later!

Here are a couple of videos that we have taken over the week. It takes so long for the videos to upload so I have to find an alloted time I can spend on the process.

This is Ilya playing with a balloon when we visited Great Grandma Martha.

This is a video of Ilya playing with the drum and listening to music. She is so precious how she hits the drum and then gives a big smile - she was so proud of herself.

Sean and I were tossing the ball back and forth and Ilya was SO excited, she kept giggling and raising her arms in the air. So we gave her the ball and she threw it! It was the first time she has done that! She was so proud that she raised her arms in excitement! So of course we grabbed the video camera and tried to catch a little of it on tape.

Spring break is in the air! We just got back in town from what Sean has dubbed our "skipping stone" vacation (Abilene, Dallas, and Bowie). It was kind of one of those adventures where you plan to do a million things and then reality sets in and you realize that in "real life" with a child you can't just get up and go...you work on their schedule. All in all it was a wonderful trip and we have decided to try and do it every year. First off, you cannot imagine how much extra luggage you have to travel with when you have a child. Sean and I shared one suitcase and the rest was for Ilya. Can you say "high maintenance"?!

OK...so here is the breakdown of our adventure. Friday, Sean had a track meet in Dawson so I was in charge of packing AND loading up the truck for our vacation. Yes, I hear you laughing through the screen. Packing used to be such a simple task...and then Ilya became more mobile. While I was putting things in the suitcase she was unpacking, with both hands. Needless to say I had to wait until she was asleep to finish up the packing process. Then it came time to load up the truck...hmmm...easier said than done. I am such a weakling to begin with but when you add a baby into the mix things get a lot more complicated. At one point I had Ilya on my hip, the phone up to my ear talking to Sean and a bag in one hand trying my hardest not to lose it. Poor Sean, he had just called to see how things were going and instead ended up with an earful! After several FAILED attempts at trying to load the truck I finally called my dad and asked if he could come to my rescue. And of course, dad came to my rescue! Next came feeding and bathing Ilya. No problem there since this is what is routine for her. BUT, the game plan was that instead of putting her to bed in her crib we would go through the night time routine but put her in the car seat instead and pray that she would fall asleep. That way our travels would not mess up her nap time routine and her night time routine would stay in tact. Things were going great and we were cruising down the road to pick up Sean in Dawson. My mistake was that I should have never stopped the car but drove around until Sean was ready because as soon as I came to a stop Ilya woke up and then screamed because she was still in the car seat! She HATES the car seat! Ilya proceeded to scream for about an hour as we drove down the road towards Abilene. Sean and I sat in silence, daring not to make a sound or stop that could wake her up once she fell asleep. We finally arrived in Abilene at about 10:00p.m. and successfully transferred Ilya into her pack-and-play.

Saturday we woke up in Abilene! Ilya was very playful and happy, especially since she had her very first zoo trip! Great Grandma Peggy had also made her way from Austin to visit and spend time with Ilya as well.

Ilya started the day off relaxing in the rocking chair. Then off to the zoo we go!After we ate lunch and Ilya had her afternoon nap we ventured out to the park beside Mark and Mary Ruth's house. Ilya crawled through the tunnel all by herself, and went down the slide several times with dad! And played the drums with dad. Then we relaxed and played with a couple of new toys that Mary Ruth had bought for Ilya.After Ilya had her supper and bath we once again loaded her up in the car and headed down the road. This time our destination was outside of Dallas to visit Scott, Bert, Hunter and Khol (my uncle, aunt and cousins). Ilya fell right to sleep, which was a blessing. Halfway down the road she coughed and made a very interesting noise. I looked back at her and she was asleep...a little while later we began to smell something. I stuck my hand back into her car seat and sure enough SHE HAD THROWN UP! Sean and I looked at each other wondering what to do. She was fast asleep and we were still two hours away. Sean had to stop and get gas so I wiped Ilya down with wet wipes but didn't change her since it was also in the car seat which defeated the purpose and it would completely wake her up. We made it to Scott and Berts at about 10:30p.m., changed Ilya and put her back down. I was worried that she would wake up sick but she woke up her normal happy self. Sunday we had planned to go to church at Casa View, where Sean had been a youth minister but the time change and travel took its toll on us and we didn't make it.

The main thing on our agenda for the day was to visit Sean's grandmother Martha who had fallen and broken two bones in her neck. We wanted to make sure Martha got to meet her great-granddaughter. Ilya wasn't shy at all and she played and played on Martha's bed. We stayed for about an hour and a half. It was a very nice visit.We stayed two nights with my aunt and uncle because like I said, in the beginning we had many grand plans of what we wanted to do in Dallas but then "reality" sets in...and a little thing called "time-change". I was really wanting to see my best friend Lucie who just had a baby last month but that didn't work out either. We didn't get many pictures of our time in Dallas because we were mainly in a car the whole time. On Monday, there were some workers out at my uncles house who were extending their drive-way. In the process they cut the cables for the T.V. and had to leave so that the cable people could come and fix it. Low and behold they left their machinery behind. I told Sean that the picture below will get us all thrown in jail! Kohl dared Sean to get in it - I, of course, was having a fit because I just knew they were going to come back and we were going to get in trouble! I am such a party pooper! Sean begged me to take the picture...so I did - I'm amazed it turned out because I took it in one second flat! I pointed, clicked and then ran inside the house! As you can tell Ilya was having a blast!We decided to leave for Bowie during Ilya's afternoon nap on Monday since it was only two hours (at the most) away and we thought we would beat the traffic. I am so glad we did because I ended up getting a little sick Monday night and spent a majority of Tuesday in bed. We arrived at Don, JoAnn, Blake, Wesley and Clay's house around 4:00p.m. What an awesome place! It is truly a little piece of heaven! They are in the process of building their house, though living in it now. I was so excited about seeing their house because it has always been a dream of mine and Sean's to build our own house. Their house is an oasis and I can't wait to see the finished product. They made us feel at home and JoAnn is the best cook in the world! Tuesday night we loaded up the car again and hit the road. This time we were headed home! Ilya did great and was thrilled the next morning when she woke up and realized where she was. I love taking vacations but in the end it is always great to be HOME! You know what makes coming home so much more enjoyable? Having a working washing machine. Yes, that's right! We have a new machine, and no it is NOT a Kenmore! Never, ever again. We decided on a Whirlpool. It's awesome, mainly because it works! Ilya likes it too. She stood watching it for a long time, she (and I) had forgotten what it looked like when one actually worked!